Ten tips on conquering vertigo
Photo courtesy flowcomm.
We see people like you all the time in the cable cars. People who stand on the centre console of a car, where the floor doesn’t rotate, hands squeezing the railings, trying to extract any metal impurities not removed in the original manufacturing process.
Your eyes are fixed unwaveringly on the floor. Your mind is throwing open the doors on all your memories, trying to find the entrance to your elusive happy place.
There you can sit back and quietly watch bunny rabbits frolic in open fields of flowers, and ignore the fact that you are currently travelling at 8m/sec and are 1000m away from your now distant acquaintance, terra firma.
Your partner tries to encourage you with a reassuring hand on your shoulder and the suggestion to look at the amazing view, but a primal growl and slight lift of the top left corner of the upper lip exposes a canine and convinces him/her that the next few minutes would be best filed under “quality time apart”.
The following facts should, customised to suit your frame of reference, be able to provide you with some helpful tips to ensure that your next experience with us is a pleasant one:
Medically: Know your fear. Vertigo isn’t the fear of heights; it is a symptom of acrophobia (the fear of heights) and affects your vestibular system. You don’t want to stand up and say, “Hi I’m Steve and I suffer from vertigo” in an AA (Acrophobics Anonymous) meeting, only to find you should have been in VA (Vertigo Anonymous) in room 12B, just down the hall. “Bye Steve.”
Historically: The cable way has operated for 80 years with not a single accident. I challenge you to find an octogenarian with a track record better than that (on the roads or elsewhere).
Statistically: Almost 20-million visitors have ridden with us; every single one was returned safely to the bottom of the mountain. You put yourself at more risk adding that second spoon of sugar to your cornflakes this morning. Your visit is special to us, but statistically irrelevant to our safety record.
Relativity: Fear is more digestible in smaller portions, so share yours out generously. Look to the person next to you on the centre console, taking an unusually intense interest in the floor; suddenly grab their arm and scream “What was that?” They will appreciate the distraction a conversation will provide, and at least now you’ve broken the ice.
Scientifically: The centre console is not the safest place to stand. Any Physics Nobel Prize laureate will tell you the safest thing to do is stand on the rotating floor and allow centrifugal force to hold you gently against the walls of the cable car to keep you out of harm’s way. If gravity beckons, it’s always polite to decline the invite on the basis that you are currently hanging with centrifugal force.
Geologically: Erosion – that’s how the mountain was formed, and it is still eroding. If you were able to watch the next few million years in a few seconds, you would see Table Mountain collapse. So while you stand on top, you are actually falling in super slow motion. Try mouthing screams and frantically waving your arms in slow motion to add that realistic touch. This is what falling to your death is like – not so bad is it?
Psychologically: pick something scarier to fear, like phronemophobia – the fear of thinking. It could be worse… couldn’t it?
Adaptability: adapt or go lower. Many people suffering from vertigo feel better lying on the ground, or curled up in the foetal position. Why not do both concurrently on the rotating floor? This dance move, where the dancer lies on his/her side, keeping the shoulder as a fixed point and running around it, was introduced to popular culture 20 years ago by Homer J. Simpson, and might still be considered cool today. Perhaps the video footage other visitors are bound to take will make it to YouTube? Instant internet celebrity or social leper. High risk, high reward.
Perspective: Do a handstand. Suddenly you aren’t in danger of falling to Earth, but falling away from it. Take a 1000m plummet to the ground, or 400km fall through the ionosphere where solar radiation is rampant. I’ll take option A on this Tellyfun quiz thank you, Martin.
And finally..? You tell me. Knowledge is power. Apparently.
I trust that at least one of these tips will help you next time you’re in one of the cable cars. If not remember, a wise man once said that “Courage is defined by your actions in the face of fear”. Although an addendum to this should include the word reasonable before fear, because anyone shouting to bolster their courage and then jumping off a pavement just comes across as stupid.
See you at the centre console.
Comments
Kevin, I loved your article and was feeling a lot more comfortable about those open windows and the fact no one has ever fallen out, even though you can “allow centrifugal force to hold you gently against the walls of the cable car to keep you out of harm’s way” BUT then I read the cable car was closed due to galeforce winds!! Wouldn’t want to be near one of those windows, if the wind picked up!! I look forward to the next blog. Lauren
Great blog, Kevin!
Your writing has the brilliant ability to create such vivid and comical imagery- dry, witty and full of flavour, like a good bottle of Tassies, Ya never know what’s coming!